New Year’s Resolutions
So what are the studs and studettes of the IndyCar Series resolving to do for the next year? Here’s what I’m guessing:
Danica! – Move the percentage of time spent by television on her from 75% to 85%
Wheldon – Get another load of reconstructive surgery. Word has it that he’s looking to double the size of his teeth again.
Dixon – Gain a bad boy image. He’ll do this by itching his nose with his middle finger during every televised interview this season. Also, look for an obscenity-laden celebration if he wins #2 this May.
Dario – Resolutions? A proper Scotsman doesn’t look to improve himself.
Roger Penske – Remember every day that he’s: a) richer than you, b) smarter than you, c) better than you, and d) all of the above.
Mike Conway – Win a race for red heads everywhere, becoming bigger than Danica in the process.
Graham Rahal – In growing older, fighting off the mustache has become more difficult. He’ll spend this year testing eastern methods for facial hair removal before giving in to his destiny in 2011.
Marco Andretti – He’ll buy Nazareth, PA and name it after his best friend Ludacris. Ludacris, PA will become the fifth largest city in PA. In retaliation, Bethlehem, PA, now sixth, will declare a war of biblical proportions on the former Nazareth.
Tony Kanaan – Two words: Nose Job. No, he’s not going to make it smaller. He wants it bigger.
Tomas Scheckter – Find something else to throw at drivers. He fears that his gloves aren’t making enough of an impact.
Got anymore?
January 2nd, 2010 at 5:08 pm
Will Power: change name to something cooler. Like, maybe, Light Speed. Or Fantastic Thunder.
January 2nd, 2010 at 6:34 pm
Danica, winning a non fuel race.
January 2nd, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Robert Doornbos: leave hvm 3/4 of the way through the 2010 season to drive in Indy Lights. explain to everybody that it was his choice and that it was best for his logical career progression (you know, f1 to CCWS to IRL w/ NHL to IRL w/ HVM to Indy Lights to Super League Formula or something equally inane)
January 2nd, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Helio Castroneves: Try and get one of my friends on Dancing with the Stars
Gil de Ferran: Get a car on the grid at some point in the 2010 IndyCar season.
January 2nd, 2010 at 9:37 pm
IndyCar fans:
- Stop complaining about Danica Patrick, finishing 5th in the season point standings does not happen by accident. The girl can actually race no matter how much you loathe her.
- Stop complaining about the blistered nose Dallara, only three teams can afford a replacement chassis at this time. 2012 will be here soon enough, that will give the other teams time to save.
- Stop complaining about “the split”. It is over, nobody won. Open wheel is unified once again. Please move forward.
- Take time to enjoy the great work of John Oreovicz [ESPN], Chris Estrada [MVN, FoxSports], several of the IndyCar bloggers that cover the sport today in addition to Tony Cotman [IndyCar]… but be wary of the old school open wheel journalists with an agenda. We may agree with them more often than not, but that does not excuse their backbiting and political muckraking. IE: Leave the driver/owner stories of divorce and regime change to those more capable of objective reporting.
January 3rd, 2010 at 1:44 pm
James,
Hear, hear. All of the above. There’s so much time wasted and calories burned carping about stuff that happened nearly 15 years ago, and things that can’t be helped for the time being. If the folks who find it in them to bring out old crap would quit that for 15 minutes and do something that actually HELPED the League (write a positive blog post or comment, buy a t-shirt, go to a race), we’d be a heck of a lot closer to a healthy sport, something that more closely resembled the “Golden Years” of the ’60s or ’90s (depending on your viewpoint).
I have generally enjoyed the work of Robin Miller, Gordon Kirby and Michael Knight over the years, but it’s gotten beyond tedious to read what they’ve been writing for the last 6 months. We get it, guys. It’s not 1995 anymore. Do us all a favor and stop doing “Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V” columns and get with reality. Things are slowly getting better, but they’ll get better even slower if people take “weren’t the gold old days great?” columns and constantly turn them into “today’s racing sucks! It’s never going to be as good as the old days!” columns. I like watching Youtube videos from the early ’90s as much as the next guy, but that shouldn’t color the way you watch today’s racing. Nostalgia’s fine, but living full-time in a world of nostalgia does nobody any good.
January 12th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Brain Barnhart will get so fat, that he will implode upon himself forming a “retard star”, lighting the path of Indycar’s demise.